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Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB]

+17
high seraph
eleni
Jaiser
chinomi
plotstickers
drandahl
Tiki The Troll
Kotakia
Sammiya
Rasei
Cure
Ninfia
Mr. Alice
Aistaraina
Luxaria
Kiyoko
alcasync
21 posters

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Go down  Message [Page 44 of 51]

nautilus

nautilus

票数 Vote Tally

Kiyoko VIII
Tiki the Troll II
Cure I
chinomi I

Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q Kiyoko vs high seraph Tiki the Troll
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q ezreal vs Kiyoko
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q Cure vs Kiyoko
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q Sammiya vs Kiyoko
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q Tiki the Troll vs no vote
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q Aistaraina vs high seraph Cure
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q Ninfia vs high seraph Tiki the Troll
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q Mr. Alice vs no vote chinomi
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q T3tsuya vs Kiyoko
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q Luxaria vs Kiyoko
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q high seraph vs Kiyoko
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q eleni vs Kiyoko

Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q chinomi vs Kiyoko

Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XHMJc5Q nautilus vs Phoney Baloney Avian

Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 XSMy0US

Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 Tumblr_nulb4w6kNQ1rqbl96o1_540

What is a hoser



Last edited by n★util★s on Tue Sep 15, 2015 4:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

Tiki The Troll

Tiki The Troll

T3tsuya wrote:...or join the harem to not arouse...

Got to that point.

Started laughing.

Forgot everything else about this post.

Though, it is true...I can't think of anything less arousing than joining your harem.

Aistaraina

Aistaraina

n★util★s wrote:What is a hoser

Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 Hoser10

Mr. Alice

Mr. Alice

alternatively
Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 87a713707556b5844fcf9ba8927b3852

adawg

adawg

did some say hozier

TAKE ME TO CHURCH
prayer circle for the ppl who are dead and dying in the detention room and are about to be dead and dying in the detention room
.. i mEAN crying

Tiki The Troll

Tiki The Troll

Gakuen Mafia EP09-12 [µfia end] [ENG SUB] - Page 44 The-2012-canadian-hoser-of-the-year-awards-1413326734346

Aistaraina

Aistaraina

[insert VERY CONVINCING POST about how we should lynch someone else instead of Kiyoko or Lucas so that whatever scary voodoo they conjured up will get blown away on the breeze]

Tiki The Troll

Tiki The Troll

Aistaraina wrote:[insert VERY CONVINCING POST about how we should lynch someone else instead of Kiyoko or Lucas so that whatever scary voodoo they conjured up will get blown away on the breeze]

[insert FERVENT AGREEMENT]

Mr. Alice

Mr. Alice

the broken shoelace is highly relevant

-stares at someone-

ALSO

wow raina that was absolutely beautiful i am 100000% convinced

Unvote: No Vote

Vote: Chinomi because the gods are dead and we killed them

Ninfia

Ninfia
Admin

∠( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° 」∠)_ hello hosers

I'm down to lynch someone aside from kiyo or lucas.

unvote: high seraph  


Vote: Tiki the troll

http://www.ninfia.tumblr.com

Kiyoko

Kiyoko
Admin

Hey, Lucas.

I've been thinking a lot about things, lately. Like, this school. What I want to do after I graduate. It's funny, really. I used to be so concerned about my entrance exams. I was always in the library. (You were always in the library, too.)

I thought I had my life figured out. Recently, though, I haven't really been studying at all. I’ve been too busy with, well, with the club. You know what I mean. This mafia club has really taken up a lot of my time, but more importantly, it's shown me that there are more important things out there than getting into a good school, and then getting a good job. I mean, if I fail the entrance exams... well, there's always next year, right?

M-maybe you can tutor me, or something.

Not... not that I think I'd need it. I am pretty smart, you know.

I remember what you said, when we first met. About meeting in a past life. I'm not sure if I believe it. Maybe just a little. I get dreams some time, you know, about... about socks. And death. It's really odd how those things have come to be correlated in my subconscious mind. But even if it's true, even if we'd met some time in a past life, I want to live this life like it’s the only one I have.

And maybe I...

kind of...

sort of...

just a little bit...

...want to spend it with you.

D-don’t get me wrong! I still think you’re a lame nerd who can’t read subtle cues and rambles on and on too much about off-topic things and you can’t even remember my favorite flavor of ice cream (it’s cookies and cream! Who even likes vanilla? Vanilla is a pretty useless flavor.) Also you freak out over stupid things and make a big deal out of it before realizing you just misunderstood something basic. And you have this weird fascination with comic sans and I don’t really get that because it’s actually a pretty lame typeface okay. And occasionally you forget to send me letters even though you said you would write to me and it’s not like I’m standing by my desk or anything and checking it every few minutes to see if someone’s delivered something to me but like I didn’t get anything from you last phase either and I was starting to think that maybe you--

No, um. I’m getting off topic here. W-what I’m trying to say is, I mean. E-even though you have all of these flaws, I don’t… I don’t necessarily… find them annoying. It seems that over the course of the school year, I’ve gotten kind of… used to you, I guess. Having you around. A-and the Portuguese lessons are useful. So. So I think there’s definitely a um, a firmly grounded logical reason for me to… what I’m saying is…

W-what I wanted to say was um… Well… I think I kind of maybe...

Aarghh, this isn’t working. Give me a moment. Um. L-let me just, ummm… I’ll just show you what I mean, okay? unvote, vote: Tiki The Troll. There. There, I did it. D-do you get it now? I-I’m not going to spell it out for you, okay? That’s all I’m going to-- W-what do you mean you still don’t get it? I’m being perfectly clear right now. I--

Look.

A-all I’m trying to say is that I maybe kind of…

...am…

(mumblemumble)

...with you.

T-THERE. There, I said it! I’m not saying it again. I-it’s phase end anyway so you can’t really respond but umm. This game is about to end anyway and I’ll be waiting for you in the library afterwards like usual so m...aybe um. Maybe if you’re free you’d like to… kind of just… I mean, I heard that the crepe place, the one we usually go to? They have a new flavor that I kind of wanted to try so m-maybe we could go there… together…?

Y-you’re paying still, of course.

Um so just.

Let me know, okay?

http://kiyokon.tumblr.com

chinomi

chinomi

SHREK

                                      Written by

                               William Steig & Ted Elliott




                                    SHREK
                        Once upon a time there was a lovely
                        princess. But she had an enchantment
                        upon her of a fearful sort which could
                        only be broken by love's first kiss.
                        She was locked away in a castle guarded
                        by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
                        Many brave knights had attempted to
                        free her from this dreadful prison,
                        but non prevailed. She waited in the
                        dragon's keep in the highest room of
                        the tallest tower for her true love
                        and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
                        Like that's ever gonna happen. What
                        a load of - (toilet flush)

              Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
              day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
              after the ogre.

              NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

                                    MAN1
                        Think it's in there?

                                    MAN2
                        All right. Let's get it!

                                    MAN1
                        Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
                        thing can do to you?

                                    MAN3
                        Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
                        bread.

              Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                    SHREK
                        Yes, well, actually, that would be a
                        giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
                        They'll make a suit from your freshly
                        peeled skin.

                                    MEN
                        No!

                                    SHREK
                        They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
                        jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
                        quite good on toast.

                                    MAN1
                        Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
                        (waves the torch at Shrek.)

              Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
              men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
              and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
              men are in the dark.

                                    SHREK
                        This is the part where you run away.
                        (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
                        And stay out! (looks down and picks
                        up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
                        Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
                        throws the paper over his shoulder.)

                       
              THE NEXT DAY

              There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
              sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
              to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
              are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
              who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
              little pigs.

                                    GUARD
                        All right. This one's full. Take it
                        away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

                       
                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Next!

                                    GUARD
                        (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
                        Your flying days are over. (breaks the
                        broom in half)

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
                        Next!

                                    GUARD
                        Get up! Come on!

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Twenty pieces.

                                    LITTLE BEAR
                        (crying) This cage is too small.

                                    DONKEY
                        Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
                        be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
                        Give me another chance!

                                    OLD WOMAN
                        Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                    DONKEY
                        Oh!

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Next! What have you got?

                                    GIPETTO
                        This little wooden puppet.

                                    PINOCCHIO
                        I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
                        nose grows)

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Five shillings for the possessed toy.
                        Take it away.

                                    PINOCCHIO
                        Father, please! Don't let them do this!
                        Help me!

              Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
              to the table.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Next! What have you got?

                                    OLD WOMAN
                        Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
                        if you can prove it.

                                    OLD WOMAN
                        Oh, go ahead, little fella.

              Donkey just looks up at her.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Well?

                                    OLD WOMAN
                        Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
                        nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
                        Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

                       
                                    OLD WOMAN
                        No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
                        to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
                        talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
                        you ever saw.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Get her out of my sight.

                                    OLD WOMAN
                        No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

              The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
              of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
              hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
              with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

                                    DONKEY
                        Hey! I can fly!

                                    PETER PAN
                        He can fly!

                                    3 LITTLE PIGS
                        He can fly!

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        He can talk!

                                    DONKEY
                        Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
                        a flying, talking donkey. You might
                        have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
                        but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
                        fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
                        to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
                        to the ground.)

              He hits the ground with a thud.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
                        After him!

                                    GUARDS
                        He's getting away! Get him! This way!
                        Turn!

              Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
              Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
              for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
              quickly hides behind Shrek.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        You there. Ogre!

                                    SHREK
                        Aye?

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
                        to place you both under arrest and transport
                        you to a designated resettlement facility.

                       
                                    SHREK
                        Oh, really? You and what army?

              He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
              and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
              and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
              begins walking back to his cottage.

                                    DONKEY
                        Can I say something to you? Listen,
                        you was really, really, really somethin'
                        back here. Incredible!

                                    SHREK
                        Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
                        and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
                        around and Donkey is right in front
                        of him.) Whoa!

                                    DONKEY
                        Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
                        you that you that you was great back
                        here? Those guards! They thought they
                        was all of that. Then you showed up,
                        and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
                        like babes in the woods. That really
                        made me feel good to see that.

                                    SHREK
                        Oh, that's great. Really.

                                    DONKEY
                        Man, it's good to be free.

                                    SHREK
                        Now, why don't you go celebrate your
                        freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

                       
                                    DONKEY
                        But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
                        I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
                        wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
                        stick with you. You're mean, green,
                        fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
                        the spit out of anybody that crosses
                        us.

              Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
              loudly.

                                    DONKEY
                        Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
                        don't mind me sayin', if that don't
                        work, your breath certainly will get
                        the job done, 'cause you definitely
                        need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
                        you breath stinks! You almost burned
                        the hair outta my nose, just like the
                        time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
                        continues to talk, so Shrek removes
                        his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
                        berries. I had strong gases leaking
                        out of my butt that day.

                                    SHREK
                        Why are you following me?

                                    DONKEY
                        I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
                        I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
                        me, My problems have all gone, There's
                        no one to deride me, But you gotta have
                        faith...

                                    SHREK
                        Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
                        have any friends.

                                    DONKEY
                        Wow. Only a true friend would be that
                        cruelly honest.

                                    SHREK
                        Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
                        me. What am I?

                                    DONKEY
                        (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
                        tall?

                                    SHREK
                        No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
                        torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
                        bother you?

                                    DONKEY
                        Nope.

                                    SHREK
                        Really?

                                    DONKEY
                        Really, really.

                                    SHREK
                        Oh.

                                    DONKEY
                        Man, I like you. What's you name?

                                    SHREK
                        Uh, Shrek.

                                    DONKEY
                        Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
                        you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
                        thing. I like that. I respect that,
                        Shrek. You all right. (They come over
                        a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
                        Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
                        in place like that?

                                    SHREK
                        That would be my home.

                                    DONKEY
                        Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
                        You know you are quite a decorator.
                        It's amazing what you've done with such
                        a modest budget. I like that boulder.
                        That is a nice boulder. I guess you
                        don't entertain much, do you?

                                    SHREK
                        I like my privacy.

                                    DONKEY
                        You know, I do too. That's another thing
                        we have in common. Like I hate it when
                        you got somebody in your face. You've
                        trying to give them a hint, and they
                        won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
                        (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

                       
                                    SHREK
                        Uh, what?

                                    DONKEY
                        Can I stay with you, please?

                                    SHREK
                        (sarcastically) Of course!

                                    DONKEY
                        Really?

                                    SHREK
                        No.

                                    DONKEY
                        Please! I don't wanna go back there!
                        You don't know what it's like to be
                        considered a freak. (pause while he
                        looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
                        But that's why we gotta stick together.
                        You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

                       
                                    SHREK
                        Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                                    DONKEY
                        Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)

                       
                                    SHREK
                        What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
                        a chair.) No! No!

                                    DONKEY
                        This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
                        late, swappin' manly stories, and in
                        the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

                                    SHREK
                        Oh!

                                    DONKEY
                        Where do, uh, I sleep?

                                    SHREK
                        (irritated) Outside!

                                    DONKEY
                        Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
                        I don't know you, and you don't know
                        me, so I guess outside is best, you
                        know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
                        slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
                        like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
                        born outside. I'll just be sitting by
                        myself outside, I guess, you know. By
                        myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
                        no one here beside me...

              SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

              Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
              a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
              noise. He stands up with a huff.

                                    SHREK
                        (to Donkey) I thought I told you to
                        stay outside.

                                    DONKEY
                        (from the window) I am outside.

              There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
              made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
              and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

                                    BLIND MOUSE1
                        Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
                        farm, but what choice do we have?

                       
                                    BLIND MOUSE2
                        It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

                       
                                    GORDO
                        (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

                       
                                    SHREK
                        Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
                        and lands on his shoulder.)

                                    GORDO
                        I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
                        ear)

                                    SHREK
                        Ow!

                                    GORDO
                        Blah! Awful stuff.

                                    BLIND MOUSE1
                        Is that you, Gordo?

                                    GORDO
                        How did you know?

                                    SHREK
                        Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
                        you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
                        from behind and he drops the mice.)
                        Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
                        with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
                        no, no. Dead broad off the table.

                       
                                    DWARF
                        Where are we supposed to put her? The
                        bed's taken.

                                    SHREK
                        Huh?

              Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
              The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
              him.

                                    BIG BAD WOLF
                        What?

              TIME LAPSE

              Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
              him to the front door.

                                    SHREK
                        I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
                        a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
                        do get a little privacy? (He opens the
                        front door to throw the Wolf out and
                        he sees that all the collected Fairy
                        Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
                        no. No! No!

              The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
              pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
              flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

             
                                    SHREK
                        What are you doing in my swamp? (this
                        echoes and everyone falls silent.)

                       
              Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
              tent.

                                    SHREK
                        All right, get out of here. All of you,
                        move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
                        Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
                        dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
                        No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
                        shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
                        look at Donkey)

                                    DONKEY
                        Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
                        them.

                                    PINOCCHIO
                        Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                                    SHREK
                        What?

                                    PINOCCHIO
                        We were forced to come here.

                                    SHREK
                        (flabbergasted) By who?

                                    LITTLE PIG
                        Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
                        and he...signed an eviction notice.

                       
                                    SHREK
                        (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
                        this Farquaad guy is?

              Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                                    DONKEY
                        Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                                    SHREK
                        Does anyone else know where to find
                        him? Anyone at all?

                                    DONKEY
                        Me! Me!

                                    SHREK
                        Anyone?

                                    DONKEY
                        Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
                        Me, me!

                                    SHREK
                        (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
                        tale things. Do not get comfortable.
                        Your welcome is officially worn out.
                        In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
                        right now and get you all off my land
                        and back where you came from! (Pause.
                        Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
                        You! You're comin' with me.

                                    DONKEY
                        All right, that's what I like to hear,
                        man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
                        friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
                        adventure. I love it!

                                    DONKEY
                        (singing) On the road again. Sing it
                        with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
                        on the road again.

                                    SHREK
                        What did I say about singing?

                                    DONKEY
                        Can I whistle?

                                    SHREK
                        No.

                                    DONKEY
                        Can I hum it?

                                    SHREK
                        All right, hum it.

              Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

              DULOC - KITCHEN

              A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
              dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        That's enough. He's ready to talk.

                       
              The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
              onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
              table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
              up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

             
                                    FARQUAAD
                        (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
                        and plays with them) Run, run, run,
                        as fast as you can. You can't catch
                        me. I'm the gingerbread man.

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        You are a monster.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        I'm not the monster here. You are. You
                        and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
                        poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
                        me! Where are the others?

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
                        eye.)

                                    FARQUAAD
                        I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
                        Now my patience has reached its end!
                        Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
                        pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)

                       
                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
                        buttons.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        All right then. Who's hiding them?

                       
                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
                        muffin man?

                                    FARQUAAD
                        The muffin man?

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        The muffin man.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
                        on Drury Lane?

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        Well, she's married to the muffin man.

                       
                                    FARQUAAD
                        The muffin man?

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        The muffin man!

                                    FARQUAAD
                        She's married to the muffin man.

              The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        My lord! We found it.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Then what are you waiting for? Bring
                        it in.

              More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
              They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
              Mirror.

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        (in awe) Ohhhh...

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Magic mirror...

                                    GINGERBREAD MAN
                        Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
                        him up and dumps him into a trash can
                        with a lid.) No!

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
                        Is this not the most perfect kingdom
                        of them all?

                                    MIRROR
                        Well, technically you're not a king.

                       
                                    FARQUAAD
                        Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
                        hand mirror and smashes it with his
                        fist.) You were saying?

                                    MIRROR
                        What I mean is you're not a king yet.
                        But you can become one. All you have
                        to do is marry a princess.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Go on.

                                    MIRROR
                        (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
                        and relax, my lord, because it's time
                        for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
                        And here they are! Bachelorette number
                        one is a mentally abused shut-in from
                        a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
                        and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
                        include cooking and cleaning for her
                        two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
                        (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
                        number two is a cape-wearing girl from
                        the land of fancy. Although she lives
                        with seven other men, she's not easy.
                        Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
                        find out what a live wire she is. Come
                        on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
                        picture of Snow White) And last, but
                        certainly not last, bachelorette number
                        three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
                        castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
                        But don't let that cool you off. She's
                        a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
                        and getting caught in the rain. Yours
                        for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
                        picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
                        be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
                        number two or bachelorette number three?

                       
                                    GUARDS
                        Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

                       
                                    FARQUAAD
                        Three? One? Three?

                                    THELONIUS
                        Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
                        three, my lord!

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Okay, okay, uh, number three!

                                    MIRROR
                        Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
                        Fiona.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
                        have to do is just find someone who
                        can go...

                                    MIRROR
                        But I probably should mention the little
                        thing that happens at night.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        I'll do it.

                                    MIRROR
                        Yes, but after sunset...

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
                        my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
                        the perfect king! Captain, assemble
                        your finest men. We're going to have
                        a tournament. (smiles evilly)

              DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

              Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
              lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

                                    DONKEY
                        But that's it. That's it right there.
                        That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.

                       
                                    SHREK
                        So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

                       
                                    DONKEY
                        Uh-huh. That's the place.

                                    SHREK
                        Do you think maybe he's compensating
                        for something? (He laughs, but then
                        groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
                        He continues walking through the parking
                        lot.)

                                    DONKEY
                        Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

                                    MAN
                        Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

                       
                                    SHREK
                        Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
                        a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
                        screams and begins running through the
                        rows of rope to get to the front gate
                        to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
                        Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
                        - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
                        walking straight through the rows. The
                        attendant runs into a wall and falls
                        down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
                        continue on into DuLoc.)

              DULOC

              They look around but all is quiet.

                                    SHREK
                        It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

                       
                                    DONKEY
                        Hey, look at this!

              Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
              marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
              open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
              to sing.

                                    WOODEN PEOPLE
                        Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

                       
              Here we have some rules

              Let us lay them down

              Don't make waves, stay in line

              And we'll get along fine

              DuLoc is perfect place

              Please keep off of the grass

              Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

              DuLoc is, DuLoc is

              DuLoc is perfect place.

              Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

                                    DONKEY
                        Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
                        to run over and pull the lever again)

                       
                                    SHREK
                        (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
                        No. No. No, no, no! No.

              They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Brave knights. You are the best and
                        brightest in all the land. Today one
                        of you shall prove himself...

              As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
              Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

                                    SHREK
                        All right. You're going the right way
                        for a smacked bottom.

                                    DONKEY
                        Sorry about that.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        That champion shall have the honor -
                        - no, no - - the privilege to go forth
                        and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
                        from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
                        for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
                        the first runner-up will take his place
                        and so on and so forth. Some of you
                        may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
                        to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
                        begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
                        that? It's hideous!

                                    SHREK
                        (turns to look at Donkey and then back
                        at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
                        It's just a donkey.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
                        kills the ogre will be named champion!
                        Have it him!

                                    MEN
                        Get him!

                                    SHREK
                        Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
                        into a table where there are mugs of
                        beer)

                                    CROWD
                        Go ahead! Get him!

                                    SHREK
                        (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
                        settle this over a pint?

                                    CROWD
                        Kill the beast!

                                    SHREK
                        No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
                        Come on!

              He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
              of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
              other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
              past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
              As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
              beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
              Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
              fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
              to say that Shrek kicks butt.

                                    DONKEY
                        Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

              Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
              gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

                                    SHREK
                        Yeah!

              A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
              and sees him.

                                    WOMAN
                        The chair! Give him the chair!

              Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
              are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
              sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

                                    SHREK
                        Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
                        very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
                        the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

              The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
              Shrek.

                                    HEAD GUARD
                        Shall I give the order, sir?

                                    FARQUAAD
                        No, I have a better idea. People of
                        DuLoc, I give you our champion!

                                    SHREK
                        What?

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
                        honor of embarking on a great and noble
                        quest. Vote: Kiyoko.

                                    SHREK
                        Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
                        to get my swamp back.

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Your swamp?

                                    SHREK
                        Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
                        fairy tale creatures!

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
                        a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
                        I'll give you your swamp back.

                                    SHREK
                        Exactly the way it was?

                                    FARQUAAD
                        Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

                       
                                    SHREK
                        And the squatters?

                                    FARQUAAD
                        As good as gone.

                                    SHREK
                        What kind of quest?

              Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
              heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

                                    DONKEY
                        Let me get this straight. You're gonna
                        go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
                        just so Farquaad will give you back
                        a swamp which you only don't have because
                        he filled it full of freaks in the first
                        place. Is that about right?

                                    SHREK
                        You know, maybe there's a good reason
                        donkeys shouldn't talk.

                                    DONKEY
                        I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
                        some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
                        him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
                        his bones to make your bread, the whole
                        ogre trip.

                                    SHREK
                        Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
                        decapitated an entire village and put
                        their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
                        cut open their spleen and drink their
                        fluids. Does that sound good to you?

                       
                                    DONKEY
                        Uh, no, not really, no.

                                    SHREK
                        For your information, there's a lot
                        more to ogres than people think.

                                    DONKEY
                        Example?

                                    SHREK
                        Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
                        (he holds out his onion)

                                    DONKEY
                        (sniffs the onion) They stink?

                                    SHREK
                        Yes - - No!

                                    DONKEY
                        They make you cry?

                                    SHREK
                        No!

                                    DONKEY
                        You leave them in the sun, they get
                        all brown, start sproutin' little white
                        hairs.

                                    SHREK
                        No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
                        have layers! Onions have layers. You
                        get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
                        a sigh and then walks off)

                                    DONKEY
                        (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
                        have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
                        not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
                        loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

                                    SHREK
                        I don't care... what everyone likes.
                        Ogres are not like cakes.

                                    DONKEY
                        You know what else everybody likes?
                        Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
                        you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
                        say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
                        Parfaits are delicious.

                                    SHREK
                        No! You dense, irritating, miniature
                        beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
                        And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

                       
                                    DONKEY
                        Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
                        on the whole damn planet.

                                    SHREK
                        You know, I think I preferred your humming.

                       
                                    DONKEY
                        Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
                        making a mess. Just the word parfait
                        make me start slobbering.

              They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
              a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
              to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
              so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

Aistaraina

Aistaraina

unvote; vote: cure

alcasync

alcasync

Phase end

nautilus

nautilus

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh my god this is amazing

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