IKEA UPICK MAFIA [the end]

Esta es una historia de Juan. Juan has a mustache. Juan wears a yellow shirt. And although there are days where Juan feels like he, too, was born into this world in disjoint pieces and shoddily assembled by unskilled hands, Juan is not a piece of furniture. Juan is un conserje. A janitor. Y Juan trabaja en IKEA.

Juan is a sad man.

Juan was not always a sad man.

Some days, Juan leans his mop against the side of an EDEBOVIKEN sink, stares into the mirror, and remembers a younger, happier Juan. Más guapo. Más fuerte. That Juan is no more. Over the years, that Juan has diminished, dwindling like the budget of young college freshmen who do not need the coat hangers they are buying. Young college freshmen who do not even own coats to hang. Juan resents these freshmen. Juan resents the coat hangers they will buy and not use. Juan resents a great many things in his sad, resentful life.

Juan takes his medication, as prescribed by some gringo doctor who uses big words like schizoaffective disorder and anticonvulsants. Sometimes it makes him feel better. Usually, it does not.

Juan mops the floors of the IKEA and gets paid $4.27 per hour.

One day, as Juan is taking out the trash he notices his world is different. Louder, perhaps. More intense. And he does not quite know why.

“WHAT A LIFE. A MISERABLE LIFE. I MUST WITHDRAW INTO MYSELF,” comments a forlorn voice from somewhere a la izquierda.

“Tú y yo juntos,” replies Juan.

And Juan is surprised. Not by the mysterious voice, origins yet unidentified, but by his own voice, low and sandpaper-dry from disuse. But for low grunts and the occasional, “Sí, señor,” Juan has not spoken in many years. Juan has not had someone to speak to in many years.

Juan turns his head in search of his amigo nuevo, but there is nobody in sight.

“Hello?” Juan calls out to the general sales floor.

“Hello,” replies the EKTORP JENNYLUND chair beside his left elbow.

Never in Juan’s recollection has the furniture ever spoken to him before. Up until this point, the furniture, much like Juan’s manager, acted like Juan did not exist. It is very nice. Having someone to speak to is very nice.

Juan wonders why today, of all days, this nice thing has happened.

“Ahh mierda,” he curses, as realization sets in. “Me cago en la leche! I forgot to take my meds!”

(And then, because it bore repeating another two more times:

Me cago en la leche! I forgot to take my meds!

Me cago en la leche! I forgot to take my meds!)

DID YOU JUST CURSE AT ME IN SPANISH

Tiki, are you saying you are a piece of fruit? Why payapa? Why not be a lingonberry?

Of course, given there's all sorts of lingonberry treats.... Lingonberry preserve, lingon berry soda, and now even lingonberry sundaes...

One of my favorite things to buy when at an Ikea is lingonberry syrup. And then get club soda to mix it with. (DON'T EVER TRY TO DRINK IT STRAIGHT> NOT A GOOD IDEA. /almost did that the first time)

Though, officially it's called Dryck Lingon.

@High seraph How can I run when I have no legs? I suppose I could roll, but that runs a chance of breaking my glass and having my insides drip drip drip out of me.

@ JUAN, YOUR WORDS ARE SLOWING EVERYONE DOWN. GET A FUCKING MOVE ON DUDE. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO STOP HOLDING THE (->) BUTTON, SO DON'T STOP HOLDING IT. GO ON TOUCH THAT BUTTON. TOUCH IT, GODDAMN IT! TOUCH IT FONDLY. TOUCH IT SERIOUSLY. TOUCH IT CARELESSLY. YOU CHOOSE HOW TO HANDLE THE FUCKING BUTTON JUST DON'T LET GO OF IT. AND QUIT MOPING AROUND AND FUCKING! RUN! YOU KNOW I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED TO BE HERE TELLING YOU ALL OF THIS SHIT BUT I WANT TO WIN THE GAME AND YOU CAN'T WIN THE GAME IF YOU DON'T RUN. DID YOU FALL ASLEEP DURING THAT TUTORIAL LEVEL? IT WAS EASY ENOUGH SO EVEN BONEHEADS LIKE YOURSELF CAN WIN.

@ SAMMIYA, YOU CAN FIGURE THAT OUT BY YOUR FUCKING SELF, ALRIGHT??? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT AS LONG AS THE (->) BUTTON REMAINS PRESSED. IF YOU WANT TO WIN THE GAME YOU GOTTA PRESS THE FUCKING BUTTON HOW HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND.

Spoiler:

im pretty sure sonic the hedgehog doesn't live in ikea. I'm pretty sure you're in the wrong genre, dude, or the wrong fast food restaurant. Either one.

like me. stranded like yoda in the swamp. cries

WOW @ CURE FUCKING CHECK AGAIN AND THEN SHUT UP ABOUT IT. DO YOU THINK SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FUCKING LIKES THAT IT MUST LIVE IN IKEA? IT FUCKING DOES NOT. BUT THIS ECONOMY ISN'T HELPING ANYONE RIGHT NOW SO FUCKING MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. I'M NOT AS FUCKING PISSED AT YOU AS I AM AT SOME OTHER PEOPLE (JIMMY SHUT THE FUCK UP) BECAUSE YOU WERE SUCCINT ENOUGH TO NOT WASTE TOO MUCH OF EVERYONE'S TIME. SO I'M GONNA HOLD OFF ON BASHING YOU VERY AGGRESSIVELY FOR NOW BECAUSE I KNOW A BETTER FUCKING TIME WILL COME ANYWAY. A FUCKING TIME WHEN YOU WILL BRING WORDS AND TL;DRS SPECIFICALLY TO FUCK ME OVER AND MAKE ME SLOW DOWN. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ALL UP TO. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO FIND THE MAFIA FAST THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL NATURAL BORN FUCKERS. BUT IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER BECAUSE I WILL FIND THE MAFIA. JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT. BUT DON'T WAIT TOO LONG BECAUSE THIS IS GONNA BE REAL FUCKING FAST. IF YOU BLINK YOU MIGHT EVEN FUCKING MISS IT. SO DON'T BLINK.

The lonesome chair sat, wondering, if a nice family or single adult household would ever find them. Were they doomed to sit as a floor model until a clumsy child spilled grape juice on them? until a pen exploded in someone's pocket as they were seated upon them? so many, many people had sat on this chair's plush cushions yet they all eventually got up and moved on to other chairs.

The classy grey fabric of the chair seemed to sag slightly. They wondered idly if... if a "do not sit unless you plan to buy" sign would harm or help them. There was a longing to be useful, but one full day without someone sitting upon them without the intention of purchase seemed... a dream.

Sonic ran by as the chair mused these things. The chair was... rightly confused.

Heads up that the actual rollover might be a little late because of my sister being, like, 3 hours late to picking me up to go get something but phase end will still be at 7PM PST (A little under an hour from now).

WOW THANKS A LOT @ TIKI THE TROLL. FOR WASTING LIKE 10 SECONDS OF MY PRECIOUS TIME MAKING ME TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL WAS SCROLLING UP. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN? DON'T ANSWER THAT IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S FUCKING IMPORTANT ANYWAY, IT'S DEFINITELY JUST SOME STUPID TACTIC TO SLOW ME DOWN. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE PUT UP A FASTER MARQUEE? EVERYONE HERE IS USELESS. I JUST RAN BY @ CHAIRFIA AND YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT MY EYES SAW IN THE 0,2 NANOSECONDS THAT THEY SPENT OGLING THAT PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A CHAIR. SHE WAS SITTING COMPLETELY STILL. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN EXPECT TO WIN THIS GAME LIKE THIS? UNLESS YOU FUCKING DON'T WANT TO WIN THE GAME.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO. I ALREADY KICKED THE PC'S POWER CHORD TWICE AND I GOT A BLUE SCREEN AFTER THAT SO THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME I'M WRITING THIS POST. I'LL ALSO LET YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS HAPPENED IN LESS THAN 2 SECONDS. IF THAT'S NOT DEDICATION, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. UNLIKE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS DEPARTMENT STORE, I AM ACTUALLY INVESTED IN FINDING THE MAFIA. AND I WILL BECAUSE THEY CAN'T OUTRUN ME. AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, I CAN TAKE THEM ON BY MYSELF (IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYONE WHO WANTS OR IS EVEN CAPABLE OF HELPING ANYWAY). EVEN IF THEY FIND ME FIRST (A POSSIBILITY THAT HAS EXACTLY 0% CHANCE OF BECOMING TRUE), CATCHING ME WILL BE SIMPLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE, AS I SAID, THEY CAN'T OUTRUN ME.

NOW EVERYONE PLEASE PRESS THE FUCKING (->) BUTTON SO WE CAN MOVE THIS SHIT ALONG. YES, THAT INCLUDES YOU @ CHINOMI. WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS ROLLOVER ANYWAY? I DON'T HAVE ALL FUCKING DAY.

WOW DID CHINOMI ACTUALLY NINJA ME WITH THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION? I GUESS THERE ARE AT LEAST A FEW INDIVIDUALS HERE THAT AREN'T COMPLETELY SHIT AFTER ALL!

DISCLAIMER: IF I AM MEAN TO YOU DURING THE COURSE OF THE GAME, PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S PROBABLY YOUR FAULT. I'M JOKING, I MEAN, MOST OF THIS IS RP BUT PARTS OF IT ACTUALLY AREN'T OK SO PLEASE FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. THIS IS PROBABLY CHINOMI'S TWISTED WAY TO PAY ME BACK FOR GIVING HER THAT FUJIN ROLE IN FINAL FANTASY MAFIA OK. I ACTUALLY LOVEATHE EVERYONE HERE SO DON'T GET UPSET ABOUT MY ATTITUDE.

JEEZEES, HIGH SERAPH, COULD YOU AT LEAST STOP SAY F****? THERE MIGHT BE CHILDREN READING THE FORUMS. AND MAYBE BE A LITTLE BIT PATIENT? MAFIA HASN'T EVEN KILLED ANYBODY YET.

THEORIES:
NINFIA IS A CHAIR.
SAMMY IS A BOTTLE OF HER BELOVED SYRUP. ALSO, I REMEMBER THAT INCIDENT. GOOD THING OUR FAVORITE RED HEADED SISTER WAS VISITING BEFORE YOU DRUNK THAT.
KIYOKO IS SOMETHING OFF HIS MEDICINE AND THINKS HE IS A JANITOR.
TIKI HAS A FRUIT FETISH.
HIGH SERAPH HAS TO MAKE EVERYTHING GO FASTER, BUT SADLY THE PHASES WILL NEVER END FASTER... UNLESS THERE IS A PHASE CHANGER...
ALSO CURE IS A BUNKBED THAT IS SHAPE LIKE A SPACE SHIP.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE OFFENDED IN MY LIFE THAN I AM AT THE THOUGHT THAT YOU THINK I MIGHT BE A BUNKBED. A BUNKBED IS USELESS BY YOURSELF. THAT'S LIKE GIVING A BUNK BED TO HAND SOLO AFTER CHEW-BAKA HAS BEEN MELTED DOWN INTO GLUE. HOW TASTELESS OF A GIFT IS THAT? HOW APPALING. HOW DISGUSTING.

HOW ABOUT YOU GO CHEW ON THAT, BAKA.

Then are you a shelf? That also makes sense with what you have described so far.

Edit: or a lamp. but you talk about the lamp below you so maybe not.